Dating Web Site E-mail Etiquette?

I thought I would share with you a conversation I had with a Web site visitor who was sick and tired of the lack of etiquette on Dating Web sites:

I have a pet peeve. I belong to several online Web dating sites. I should say that I am a 61-year-old woman, though a very young 61-year-old! I think I am quite attractive, intelligent, and accomplished.

With online dating sites, folks don't feel the need to be courteous because there are no repercussions or accountability for not doing so.

Often when I contact a man whose profile I like, he doesn't even bother to answer. I try at least to send a short polite "No, thank you." when someone contacts me and I'm not interested and some men do this too, but more often than not, they just don't bother to write back.

Well, unfortunately, you are more courteous that most.

It really annoys me and seems insulting and rude.

It is rude--to not respond to an inquiry or the fact someone showed interest in you is very selfish and rude. If one is listed on such sites to encourgage contacts, they should at the very least offer the common courtesy of a response.

After all, if someone introduced us (out in the real world), the guy would show some semblance of politeness. On occasion, I've contacted the guy a second time and expressed my disappointment in their not answering, and usually, when prodded, they do write something. Am I crazy to expect a reply?

No you are not crazy!! Don't make this about you--it is about them! Many people hide behind these screens because they know you can't see them and that they are not be held accountable for their actions. It isn't you--it is the other side that doesn't know how to behave properly. Instead look at it from a positive POV; you found out they lack common courtesy even before you wasted another moment.

Some dating sites have "canned" short, polite answers you can use if you don't want to write a personal "No thanks." What is the official word on this?

The official word is you always provide a courteous response when someone e-mails you. That is just the right thing to do.

Thanks for any insights you can shed on this dilemma! I really appreciate it and want to know what I can do about it if anything.

There is nothing you can do but to continue being you. We can't control other's behavior and I would look at it that if they didn't respond they probably are not the type of guy who shares your beliefs on how to treat others anyway.

If they don't respond, fine. They are the ones loosing out on someone who has manners and courtesy--which are rare commodities in this day and age where we live in a culture of "me, me, everything is about me." I know it is easier said than done but don't take it personally. These are "men" who don't have the intestinal fortitude to at the very least show a lady some courtesy. So who needs them?!

Dating Web Site E-mail Etiquette?

I thought I would share with you a conversation I had with a Web site visitor who was sick and tired of the lack of etiquette on Dating Web sites:

I have a pet peeve. I belong to several online Web dating sites. I should say that I am a 61-year-old woman, though a very young 61-year-old! I think I am quite attractive, intelligent, and accomplished.

With online dating sites, folks don't feel the need to be courteous because there are no repercussions or accountability for not doing so.

Often when I contact a man whose profile I like, he doesn't even bother to answer. I try at least to send a short polite "No, thank you." when someone contacts me and I'm not interested and some men do this too, but more often than not, they just don't bother to write back.

Well, unfortunately, you are more courteous that most.

It really annoys me and seems insulting and rude.

It is rude--to not respond to an inquiry or the fact someone showed interest in you is very selfish and rude. If one is listed on such sites to encourgage contacts, they should at the very least offer the common courtesy of a response.

After all, if someone introduced us (out in the real world), the guy would show some semblance of politeness. On occasion, I've contacted the guy a second time and expressed my disappointment in their not answering, and usually, when prodded, they do write something. Am I crazy to expect a reply?

No you are not crazy!! Don't make this about you--it is about them! Many people hide behind these screens because they know you can't see them and that they are not be held accountable for their actions. It isn't you--it is the other side that doesn't know how to behave properly. Instead look at it from a positive POV; you found out they lack common courtesy even before you wasted another moment.

Some dating sites have "canned" short, polite answers you can use if you don't want to write a personal "No thanks." What is the official word on this?

The official word is you always provide a courteous response when someone e-mails you. That is just the right thing to do.

Thanks for any insights you can shed on this dilemma! I really appreciate it and want to know what I can do about it if anything.

There is nothing you can do but to continue being you. We can't control other's behavior and I would look at it that if they didn't respond they probably are not the type of guy who shares your beliefs on how to treat others anyway.

If they don't respond, fine. They are the ones loosing out on someone who has manners and courtesy--which are rare commodities in this day and age where we live in a culture of "me, me, everything is about me." I know it is easier said than done but don't take it personally. These are "men" who don't have the intestinal fortitude to at the very least show a lady some courtesy. So who needs them?!

Selling Other's Comments?

A site visitor asks:

What if someone takes your written words from various blogs, puts them in a book and adds defaming comments of their own and then SELLS the book? I, along with a number of friends and acquaintances, have had this done to us by one person. Do we have any recourse?

As I state on in my article about Online Copyright Issues, anything you write you own the copyright to and that person, if they had any e-ethics should have contacted you for your permission to include your writings in their book.

They can make any comments they like defaming or otherwise--that isn't really the issue--everyone can have an opinion. The issue is using your content that you wrote in a book that they are commercially gaining from without your permission.

At this point your only recourse would be to bring legal action against the party in question and that can get very expensive fast. Another option, would be to check where their Web site is hosted and then review their hosting company's DMCA (also noted in the above article) clause and make them aware that the book they are selling is infringing on your copyright by including your posts without your permission.

Daily Signature Files Use

This is a topic onliners struggle with. When to use a signature file, what should it say, and how do you determine the best use of your signature file.

One issue in particular that has come up lately, is using your info-packed "ego-sig" signature file on every single e-mail you send. Not necessary!! If I am e-mailing back and forth with you I really don't need to see that at the bottom of every response. Switch to a more basic sig file after the first couple of back and forths.

Also, for those who already have your information or for friend and family members -- no need to include all that blah-blah-blah about you anyway. What you do is have different signature files for different situations. I've lost count of the number of signature files I have! I name each for the specific way I desire to sign-off in any given situation. Did you catch that? Sign-off?

Yep! You can include your sign-off and your name in your signature file! That way you only have to be concerned about the content of your e-mail then all you have to do is choose which sig file you want to display.

For friends and family, mine is just Love, and my name. Then, I have a bunch of various business sigs depending on whom I am e-mailing, why, the level of formality I want to set or what promo I have going at the time. The more sigs the better!

Forwarding business associates who know you an e-mail with your ego-sig at the top without comment as to why you are forwarding is plain old lazy. Talk about reflecting a lack of tech savvy -- or is it your title you are bragging about? Neither perception is a good one. Take the time to write a comment about why you are forwarding and have your signature follow -- an abbreviated version for those who you e-mail on a daily basis will do just fine.

Be sure to review my article: Dos and Don'ts of Signature Files

E-mail Requires Your Full Attention!

This morning I was on KDKA News Radio in Pittsburgh discussing the forwarding of e-mails. I do these type of interviews several times each week and have a blast doing them.

This interview in particular was initiated due to a big hullabaloo out there about one of the Pittsburgh Steelers coaches who "inadvertently forwarded an e-mail containing pornographic material to the league's 'All General Managers' e-mail distribution list. This e-mail was sent to him from Steelers personnel director and then he sent it, to "multiple high-level team employees and their secretaries'."

Forwarded by the Personnel Director? Yikes! Sounds like the Steelers need to get an e-mail policy in place and have a sit down with all their personnel -- the director being the first -- so everyone is aware of the guidelines and what is expected of them.

Needless to say this coach is in some major hot water -- there are even calls for him to be fired. One of the first questions I was asked today was how could he have prevented this? How can he see who is on the list he is sending to?

It can be prevented by paying attention to what buttons you click! As far as who is on this list -- that is programmed into his e-mail software and he can view the list, if he knew how or was so inclined. Once again we have someone on business time, using business resources sending questionable e-mails and worse yet, not paying attention to what they are doing.

Believe it or not this happens quite often. People in a hurry click a button then Send to only realize their commentary went not to the intended party but to someone else. Usually someone they didn't want to view that particular e-mail's contents.

When it comes to forwarding e-mail -- just stop! Everyone just stop!! If you can't take the time to write a personal comment as to why you are forwarding to the specific person you are forwarding to, don't waste their time or yours. No more sending to lists of contacts who didn't ask to be on your "forward to everyone you know" list.

If you are a habitual forwarder or know one, two or ten, stop now and read this article and use the Send feature in the top right hand corner to notify others with this uncontrollable behavior to do the same. Read my article 5 Rules of Forwarding E-mails.

Slow down, take your time and for goodness sake pay attention to which buttons you click. Review the To: field, BCc: and Cc: fields to ensure you are sending to who you intend. Then, and only then, should you click Send. If you don't, I hope you love the taste of humble pie.

Example of Lost Opportunity

Being visible online, means you probably get more e-mail and inquiries from the masses. In particular folks trying to sell you something. In my case, marketers wanting to place advertisements on my site.

Why my site? Because get found and I get a ton of traffic. Those are the sites that you want your ads on -- the sites that actually get seen! That means your ads have a better chance of being viewed and clicked. Although, IMNSHO, I really wonder how many of us now actually phase out ads and ignore them! I know I do!

Here is an example of one of several similar requests I received yesterday:

"hi,
i was interested in placing a text ad on your site for the site that i am working on. i would like to put it on page: http://www.netmanners.com/email-etiquette-tips.html
for business email and exchange hosting. my budget is pretty limited right now so i could offer you about $25. let me know if your interested when you get this. thanks!

Yikes! Not a single sentence is capitalized. This person is working on a site for business e-mail and hosting but cannot even communicate like a professional.

Needless to say this type of request cannot be taken seriously. And to actually make me an offer of what you can afford? If you are in business you have to realize you need to have the necessary budget to reach realistic goals. "Limited" tells me what one is willing to pay. This makes me wonder what they are wiling to do to backup and support what they are selling -- is that "limited" too? This approach certainly doesn't make a good impression. Delete!

Even if I did accept advertising, which I don't, there would be no way I would have the confidence in a site that approaches me in that manner. When you link or accept advertising for other sites, you are in essence giving a recommendation.

When you are contacting other site owners on business related topics -- it behooves you to use the shift key!

E-mail Not the Place to be Incognito

When it comes to forums or message boards, even other areas of the Internet where one can communicate with others, using a nick-name or "handle" is accepted practice. Many times these nick-names reflect your hobby or interests. In these venues that is just fine.

E-mail is not the place to use a nick-name or handle or to hide your true identity. The From: field of every e-mail you send should clearly reflect your proper name: John A. Doe or John Doe. Just using your first name, in the case of John can make those you communicate with have to determine "which" John you may be. J. Doe -- you could use that, but it is a bit formal. j doe, john doe or j a doe -- all small caps; not acceptable either (unless you are a gradeschooler). The From: field should reflect your full name in proper case.

Using a pseudonym, nick-name or handle in e-mail makes one wonder why you don't want to be identified; what is it that you are trying to hide? Not to mention that you could very easily be mistaken as a spammer and deleted. There simply is no good reason to hide your identity in e-mails.

But wait, I was just told otherwise the other day...

The excuse that was recently provided for this practice was that using their real name in the From: field "caused me much grief as my computer was sending viruses to my numerous contacts." What?

You deserved the grief if you were not properly protecting your computer and those you communicate with by using a virus program and keeping it updated. So now you hide your identity so that when you make mistakes people don't know who you are? If you make a mistake be "man enough" to take your comeuppance.

I've yet to receive an valid excuse as to why one should not want to use their full and proper name in the From: field. That is unless you do have something to hide -- and that's exactly what everyone will presume!

Monday E-mail Mewls

It's typical of Mondays. Folks don't seem to be in a good mood compounded by the fact that they have to deal with all the e-mail that came in over the weekend. Monday is the day I get a ton of e-mails from frustrated Netizens asking for confirmation about their aggravation factor due to this or that in e-mails that they have to deal with today.

So, Mondays here at E-mail Etiquette Matters we will now be called "Monday E-mail Mewls." Complain, vent, whine, gripe -- whatever makes you feel good! As long as it is e-mail etiquette related, get it off your chest! Let others know they are not alone.

Each week on Monday, I'll post my pet peeve that got under my skin based on the e-mail I had to weed through from the weekend past.

This week's Monday E-mail Mewl is about those who just dash off one question e-mails without any greeting or sentence structure let alone a courteous closing. They want an answer on the weekend... in fact practically demand it but can't include a greeting, communicate with clarity or even thank me in advance. Certainly not the way to encourage a response from me during my off-hours!

Got an e-mail pet peeve or gripe from this past weekend's batch of communications? Let's hear about it!

List of E-mail Greetings and Closings?

A site visitor to NetManners.com writes:

I struggle with e-mail closings, as well as greetings. You did address the need for a Hi, Hello, etc. in one of your e-mails, are there other appropriate salutations? I would also appreciate list of closures to choose from. Perhaps you could ask your readership for contributions to create a list?

I do have an article on my Web site for your review titled E-mail Sign-Off Considerations that you may find helpful. The article includes a healthy list of suggestions you can use.

As far as greetings, Hi, Hello, Howdy, G'Day and Dear -- about cover it all. I've encountered many a creative greeting and sign-off over the years. Too many to track or list, so I stick with the basics when giving advice on these topics.

Maybe some of my readers will jump in with their most creative, funny, helpful and recommended greetings and closings and share their favorites with us?

Spell Names Correctly

Several site visitors to NetManners.com have written recently in regard to the incorrect spelling of their names by those who e-mail them. They are concerned that their names are being spelled wrong when their signature file or the From: field clearly shows the correct spelling of their name.

What should they do? Should they correct the Sender?

It is sad to say, but many onliners have the attention span of a gnat. Most so concerned about typing what they want to say, that they do not pay attention to details. One of them being the correct spelling of the name of the person they are e-mailing.

I have folks who e-mail me as "Judy" -- I'm not a Judy -- I am Judi. If they knew me well enough to get informal and not address me as Judith as I sign most of my e-mails, they would know that. This is a sign of someone getting too friendly or informal too fast. Not good in a business relationship for sure!

Believe it or not I have clients who have typed to me for years as Judy -- even when in my signature file for the past decade I've signed off as Judi. What does that say about the Sender? To me it notes a lack of attention to detail. And, it makes me wonder what else they may not be paying attention to. These folks are also typically the clients that require I resend, repeat or in many cases reiterate conversations or information we discussed in the past. Because they weren't paying attention to details.

So you can see how something as simple as assuming how the informal version of someone's name is spelled or not noticing you are incorrectly spelling it can leave a negative perception.

Take the time and make the effort to ensure you are spelling your contact's names correctly. Little "enuances" like this will go a long way to building strong and productive communications.

Address Blocks in E-mail?

A site visitor writes:

What is the proper etiquette for an address block in an e-mail? My boss is rather electronically illiterate and would like all letters sent by e-mail to have a formal address block at the top. My coworkers and I feel this wastes space and looks strange.

I actually get asked this quite often! Apparently a good portion of bosses are "technochallenged." Address blocks as used in formal off-line letters are not used at the top of e-mails because you are not sending to a physical address -- you are sending to an e-mail address as noted in the To: field.

Not sure where your boss got the impression that is the way it should be done. Although business e-mail should be approached with a professional tone, some things simply do not apply to e-mail as they would on off-line business letterhead. This is one of those issues.

You and your coworkers are correct -- now how to tell your boss!? Maybe send him/her to my article on Business E-mail Basics so they are then aware of the issues that do need to be considered.

Take the Time to Down-edit Instead of Top Posting

I get quite a few e-mails from onliners who can't stand "top posters." Top posting is the practice of hitting the Reply button and just typing away.

The problem with this bad habit is that you tend to not address items point-by-point as the Sender would prefer. More times than not issues are left open thereby causing a second unnecessary e-mail from the Sender to ask again. Or, the Sender is not sure as to what parts of their e-mail your comments may apply. Thereby, once again, causing the Sender to send another e-mail to get clarification.

This can all be avoided by properly down-editing your e-mails and responding point-by-point. This extra effort is worth the time taken to avoid misunderstandings and having to create additional e-mails that could have easily been resolved in one fellswoop.

Yes, there will be those e-mails that can be replied to thoroughly by top posting a reply. However, be sure to include a greeting as well as a courteous closing when doing so. To just hit Reply and type your comments without a greeting and closing can cause you to appear lazy and/or terse.

And as usually is the case, I have an article on the considerations of down-editing for you review: How to Down-edit Your E-mail.

E-mail and Men and Women

A week ago Friday I was on Fox News Live! discussing E-mail Etiquette. One of the questions I was asked to comment on was about the differences between men and women when it came to e-mail. One of the questions posed to me was in regard to "a new book was out" that stated that men were more cryptic while women preferred pleasantries in e-mail.

The book they were asking me to comment on was never identified, but I found that to be an odd question. Men and women communicate differently off-line; in all modes of communication. Men and women are different! No news flash here.

What was odd was that this mysterious unnamed book seemed to make mention of this so that we could understand the communication nuances in e-mail habits between genders. My response? E-mail Etiquette is not gender specific. Not once have I ever thought of the intent or tone in an e-mail to be different based on the gender of the sender. I take folks at their word, the words they choose to use, how they use them and how they type them.

Regardless of the "whys" when it comes to how men and women communicate as they do with e-mail, proper sentence structure, greetings, a courteous closing and the basic use of your spell checker has nothing to do with whether you are male or female.

I've run into just as many men who communicate succinctly and with great thought (more so than some women I communicate with) so that blows this book's comments right out of the water. Yes, genders may think that they can communicate differently because of what they are or men may have to make more effort because they are not raised to type as was the case with women back in the day.

That said, it would behoove both genders to ensure their e-mail etiquette skills leave the perception that they did in fact make it successfully out of grade school.

Regardless of your gender, taking the time to communicate with clarity and courtesy is a skill each and every one of us must continue to work on moving forward. Only by doing so will e-mail remain the valuable communication tool it can be rather than a breeding ground for laziness and miscommunication.

E-mail etiquette applies to all users and is not gender specific. At least not that I am aware of as I've never felt the need to make this mention in any of my books.

Are You Spammy?

Many times e-mails don't get through to their intended party because they are spammy. Meaning that there are elements in the e-mail that are spam-like and typical of what spammers do when sending their unasked for junk.

Many onliners and businesses alike when sending out e-mails or in-house created newsletters, neglect to take into consideration these issues which can deny their e-mail the best chance of being received.

Typical things such as word choice and formatting of the To:, From: and Subject: fields as well as the body of your message can unknowingly have elements that cause delivery problems. Becoming aware of what you shouldn't be doing can increase your receipt rate exponentially.

I have an article on the subject: How To Avoid Looking Spammy! and you can copy-n-paste your e-mails/newsletters into ProgrammersHeaven.com Spam Checker to see how spammy you really are so you can correct any potential problems.

Politics and "Reply to All" Don't Mix

You receive a forwarded email about a political issue, which has also been forwarded to other people you don't know. Is it proper for you to comment on the message and hit the "Reply to All" button? If you don't Reply to All to a political message you disagree with, will the other recipients think you favor the expressed opinion?

First off, if you are asking yourself these questions the sender made two big boo-boos that we talk about on this Blog on a regular basis. One, forwarding of political commentary is risky business because not everyone is going to agree with you. Secondly, if everyone's e-mail address is visible in the To: field, the original sender has breached their contact's privacy by exposing their e-mail addresses to strangers.

Just because the sender breached everyone's privacy, doesn't mean you then can e-mail those you don't know with your opinion. No matter how important the topic is. Do what is right and only e-mail the sender your opinion.

Who cares about those who don't know you think? Silence doesn't necessarily mean agreement. There are many online, myself included, who ignore these type of forwards because of the potential problems replying can cause even with those you do know.

Many times, as in this case, e-mail etiquette dilemmas are created by those who don't have a clue in the first place. When this happens consider pointing the sender to my site so they can take my E-mail Etiquette 101 and avoid breaching their contact's privacy again in the future.

CAPS vs. all small case

A site visitor writes:

I actually just wanted to make a suggestion for the folks who use caps lock because they can't use the shift key: just leave your whole message in lowercase. It may look a little "casual," but most people will still prefer it over all caps. Just a thought.

Hmmm... I guess if you have a choice, most would prefer all small case to all caps. However, unless you are handicapped or visually impaired, there really is no reason to not capitalize sentences properly.

Hitting the shift key really is no effort. Those who are not proficient typers may find having to hit the shift key an PIA but in the long run, you will be taken more seriously by making this effort.

For those who are unable to use the shift key for whatever reason, simply add a little note as part of your signature file that is appended to every e-mail. For example:

Sincerely,
Jane Doe

P.S. Please excuse my typing in all small case. My arthritis is such that hitting the shift key is unbearable. Thank you for your understanding...

As you can tell, simply communicating why you do certain things can make all the difference in the world. Simply not wanting to take the time to communicate properly, however, isn't a very good excuse.