How to Handle Unasked for IM/AIM/ICQ Requests

Do you have onliners you probably don't know asking to be added to your IM/AIM/ICQ contact list? Some give a first name and some don't. Since you don't know for sure if the request is coming from a person that you know, what is the best way to respond?

It is smart to have your instant messaging set to only allow contact with those on your approved list or they have to ask to be added. That is simply a good practice so you are not inundated by IM spammers or weirdos looking to communicate with total strangers.

Here is what I say when I refuse a request to be added to my approved list:

"I'm sorry, as I am sure you can understand, I do not approve additions to my contact list from those who do not give me the courtesy of introducing themselves by name and including why they want to communicate with me. Have a great day!"

This way, in case it is some you know, you haven't offended them. Folks should understand why you are taking caution in giving access to anyone who does not identify who they are and their intentions. That's just common sense!

"..." In E-mail

As my regular readers know, I constantly remind folks to use proper sentence structure and grammar when composing their e-mails. I pretty much leave it at that -- I am not a grammar writer or and English language major. I too am constantly working on my writing skills and am always amazed at how much there is still to learn about communicating with the written word.

Being I am all about e-mail etiquette -- which keeps me pretty darn busy as it is, could you imagine if I were to tackle every possible poor writing example or lack of grammar that drove someone crazy? No me -- not my forte.

That said, I've had several requests recently to address the use of trailing periods at the end of sentences.

"R" writes:

Hello, Judith. Thank you for providing your E-mail Etiquette site - it is a resource I wish more would take the time to review. I have a silly question for you that I thought I would get your input on. I have a friend who finishes her phrases with ".....". What does this mean? I find it very annoying as if they have something else they want to say but won't. Is this proper Netiquette? Thanks. R

Ending a phrase or sentence with "..." could mean different things depending on the content and tone of the e-mail in question. I do that on occasion when apropos.

To do this at the end of every sentence is not appropriate and lends to cryptic communications, however, there are times where it is O.K. Just like anything that has to do with how you use technology, discretion is key.

I think it means the opposite of having something to say but won't. In my experience those who have this bad habit most likely don't know what more they can say on the topic.

On occasion, I'll use trailing periods when I keep getting asked the same thing in different ways by the same person as though that would change the answer. So, I'll end the sentence with "..." insinuating "what more can I say..." or "I'm at a loss ..." type of situations.

I really don't believe this is a Netiquette issue - more an issue of not communicating with clarity. One should only use trailing periods sparingly. Maybe you can ask your friend who does this in their communications what she meant if you are concerned?

I use trailing periods and never have had anyone be confused by my intent. If the intent is not clear, just ask.

E-mail Autoresponder Etiquette

Automated messages or away/vacation messages are one of the neato tools that e-mail offers us to disseminate commonly asked for information and advise others of our status.

Here is a new article on the topic for your consideration when using autoresponders to ensure they are helpful rather than becoming a hindrance:

E-mail Autoresponder Etiquette

HTH!

Is This Shouting Too?

Many online forums now allow users to post messages with added smileys, and to format their text for font, size and color. Many a forum/message board participant contacts me about why other users when posting in a normally-laid-out post would increase the font size, make bold, and change the text color from black to red. To the majority, this is perceived as shouting and they respond in kind.

When the poster is replied to based on this perception, he/she more times than not disagrees that was not their intent. In my view that is just being weak-kneed about fessing up to what you know you did and meant at that time.

Then why did they increase the font size, bold the words and turn them red? Of course they were making a strong point by doing so. It seems a healthy chunk of onliners do not understand the nuances of communicating online (I call them eNuances) and that they could be making a statement based on how they choose to format their e-mail.

My Observation: When Internet communication first began, text modification capability was minimal; about the only major change one could make was text case. Fonts, color and other formatting capability is now commonplace.

The Question: Has the definition of Internet 'shouting' changed and evolved from being solely linked to ALL CAPS?

Intent is intent. Caps means yelling, making things bigger, bolder and in red type would indicate a strong comment or trying to make a point. Yes, adding formatting when used selectively can certainly add to the impression one is yelling or upset. If you ask anyone to read out loud and e-mail with such formatting, they will almost always raise their voice when reading larger, bolder, red text.

To make type larger, bolder and in red to stand out from the rest of a post is making a point. Otherwise, what was the point -- just because? Why make your font bigger, bolder and in red - for aesthetics?

Learning how to communicate without formatting is a true skill and one few make much effort to hone. To be able to communicate with clarity simply by the words you choose and how you choose to use them without relying on bolding, font size, caps or colors is the true sign of a skilled communicator.

Words have meaning and how you type them will relay intent -- that will never change.

Who to Cc: Back?

What is the the proper E-mail Etiquette when forwarding business e-mails from a second party on a common subject -- to a third party? Do you Cc: the original party?

Whether it be a business or personal e-mail common courtesy would dictate you don't forward without the original sender's knowledge. That said, we all know people do this every day. Just hope it doesn't hit you in the back of the head one day. You do so to others; they do the same to you.

All e-mails are naturally copyright protected by the author. So in order to forward an e-mail sent to you to another person, you should get the writer's permission to do so first.

Cc'ing while doing so doesn't negate asking for permission. E-mails are sent and written to the party for which they were intended, not to be sent to others without their permission. By Cc'ing without asking you risk the Sender getting upset due to the possibility they didn't want the content shared. A "common subject" is subjective to each person's definition of what is common in their view.

I have an article on the Proper Way to Forward E-mails on my site that you might find helpful.

Is BCc: Polite?

Have you found yourself the recipient of e-mail messages where some of the recipients have been listed in the BCc; field, leaving you in the dark about who was or was not included in the message? What are the E-mail Etiquette considerations for hiding recipient's names from others on the mailing list? Isn't this akin to having a phone conversation on a speakerphone without telling the person you're calling?

In this situation that would depend on the reason for using BCc:. Is the Sender trying to protect the privacy of their contact's by not exposing their addresses to others receiving the e-mail whom they may not know? Or, is the Sender quietly letting others know of a conversation with someone else? The latter could be good or bad depending on motives; while the former is the right thing to do.

If the others that were BCc'd do not know each other, putting their e-mail addresses in the BCc: field to protect the privacy of their e-mail address is the proper thing to do.

Now, if you all know each other and don't mind having the others see your e-mail addresses, the question then becomes, what was the Sender's motive in BCc'ing folks on a correspondence?

The only E-mail Etiquette consideration is to not broadcast your contact's e-mail addresses to folks they don't know. As with anything it is up to the Sender's discretion as to how best to use BCc:.

Friends Forwarding IMs

I was recently asked: "Is it against all Netiquette to copy and paste a section of a IM (Instant Message) conversation you have with A to your best friend B? This is not public, nor does B mind. Is this not the same, or at least very similar to explaining the scenario to B?"

Forwarding of any content without the other person's explicit permission is not proper, nor is it legal. You state B wouldn't mind... but what about A? If the conversation was with A, you should ask their permission to share their IMs. Did you ask A and did they say it was O.K.? Does A know exactly who you will be forwarding and what portion of their comments? Only forwarding portions opens up the door to misunderstandings or comments being taken out of context.

Without the other person's permission (meaning you asked them specifically and told them exactly what you would be doing), you should not forward privately or publicly anything they have written in whole or in part whether it be an e-mail, instant message or Blog post. I have an entire article that covers Online Copyright issues that every onliner should make themselves familiar with:

E-mail Etiquette & Online Copyright

He Doesn't Care

I thought I would share with you an e-mail I received from a site visitor in regard to my E-mail Etiquette Quiz:

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Site Visitor: In your Netiquette Quiz; QUESTION: 9
The correct answer was A. The reason for Answer 9 is to "not reply promptly gives the perception you don't care."

In your quiz you give the above answer. The proper answer is c. I don't have to reply at all. I WANT the person to perceive that I don't care! (Name Withheld)

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Wow! I can't imagine he feels that way about every e-mail, but none-the-less he felt the need to send me the above comment trying to correct me! E-mail Etiquette is a set of guidelines for folks to use so that they are perceived as someone who is a pleasure to communicate with. One can ignore every single bit of information on the topic if they so choose.

The answer stands as this person's response is the exception not the rule. And if one doesn't care, at least have they should have the intestinal fortitude to e-mail the person(s) in question and tell them how they feel instead of hiding behind their screen or expecting me to change the right answer to something else.

If he doesn't care or want people he e-mails to care, it seems to me he is pretty good at getting that across.

Stop Forwarding Me E-mails!

The topic of unwanted forwarded e-mails is one which I get contacted about almost daily. "Please advise a nice way of asking them to stop forwarding me all those [jokes, political commentary, feel good] e-mails."

To that I answer that no matter how "nice" you are, no matter how kind and gentle you may be in making such a request, most will get hurt feelings or even react viscerally because you are telling them what to do. So, to help folks out, I've written an article that one can send those type of onliners who feel that what they want to do supersedes what those they send to may prefer:

How do I ask someone to stop
forwarding me all those silly e-mails?

Get the E-mails You Want

With all the spam filtering going on by ISPs and users alike, it has become very difficult for onliners to actually get the e-mail they want! Your "whitelist" or "approved senders" list is a list of e-mails that you have approved to be allowed into your e-mail box.

By taking the extra steps to add desired domains to your address book or e-mail software, you override any other filtering going on for spam. You would be surprised how many legitimate companies do spammy things in e-mail which trigger filters and block their e-mails. We'll save that topic for another post...

PCWorld.com offers instructions for making sure the e-mail you do want to receive makes it though depending on what service/software you use for e-mail:

PCWorld.com

Use this site as a guide and replace PCWorld's e-mail address with that of any publication or e-mail address you want to receive. Easy!

E-mail Faux Pas

Email faux pas found in my inbox so far this week:

=> No greeting. How about saying "Hi, Judith" or "Howdy!" before you ramble off your demands or questions?

=> Please don't just open any e-mail from me and hit reply with a set of unrelated questions to the old e-mail's SUBJECT:. Add me to your address book so that you can start a new e-mail with a subject appropriate to your new list of issues/questions. And, please edit out or delete my old e-mail reply text - don't include the entire old e-mail that has nothing to do with what you are now inquiring about!

=> Saying "thank you" or "appreciate your help" after 4-5 questions in a row would be a nice touch.

=> Before sending 15 .PDF attachments, pop me off an e-mail or give a call to let me know they are on the way before you send them without notice and fill my e-mail box.

=> How about removing that fancy blue signature file that prevents me from replying in plain text?

=> Proper sentence structure and grammar go a long way to being taken seriously and understanding your intent or request with one e-mail. Be clear in your communications; you will be taken at your word. "I didn't mean that" doesn't apply - you type it, you had better mean it.

Wow! All that in just the first few days of the New Year. Guess I still have my work cut out for me!

E-mail Etiquette New Year's Resolutions

As I do each year at this time, I review some of the issues I see still need a bit of work from the online community when it comes to their E-mail Etiquette habits. Check out this annual update to and see if you have a thing or two you can improve upon.

For your review, here is my 10 E-mail Etiquette New Year's Resolutions for your consideration.

Wishing you all abundant online success in the year ahead!