What About Thank You Notes?

A NetManners.com site visitor writes:

I would like to know the etiquette on thank you notes, I once read that sending a thank you via-e-mail is not appropriate, is this true?

Good question and one I bet others have wondered about.

I am of the opinion that the effort you put into something shows your level of sincerity and in the case of thank you notes, gratitude. It all depends on the situation and the relationship you have or plan to have with the person you are thanking.

For example, when a new client signs a contract with me, they get a personally written and addressed thank you note via old fashioned snail mail. Yes, I could send my thank you by e-mail - I am in the technology business after all and that would make sense. But would that reflect my sincere gratitude as much as taking the time to purchase the card, write my note and address the envelope, pay the postage and send it off? Probably not...

Sometimes a short e-mail saying "thank you" may be appropriate but clearly there are times when only a handwritten and addressed card will do.

Red Means Red

Several times each day I get e-mails through my E-mail Etiquette Web site asking what a sender meant by having only certain text in their e-mail purposely changed to red.

Red is an aggressive color. The term "seeing red" means that someone is mad or so upset that they are seeing red. Not too much is different online when it comes to communicating with the written word.

If in a business letter if you changed only certain words or sentences to red, what would that mean? It would mean you are making a strong point. It would mean you are adding a robust emphasis to those particular terms or sentences. Same goes for e-mail.

And, when you use red, you leave the level of emphasis up to the person on the other side to decide the level of emphasis you may have meant.

Use our wonderful vocabulary to communicate what you mean, your anger or your emphasis. Turning selected text into red is the easy way out and risky at best.

When to User RR (Return Receipt)

This morning I had an e-mail from a business guy asking about how and when one should use Return Receipts (RR) due one of his associates making this request with every single e-mail that they sent.

Return receipts are a way of knowing that an e-mail has been opened on the recipient's computer. It does not however, mean the opened e-mail has been read.. Do you have someone in your life who has this feature on for every single e-mail? I've found those are the folks that seem to want to know when you receive their e-mail even if the content is not critical or important - sorta a control thing.

Or, it could be your friend or associate does not even know they have this option selected. Maybe nicely e-mailing them with a "Did you know.....?" letting them know this is not a feature to be used for every single casual e-mail can help to inform them.

The recipient should have the privacy to determine when/if they want to read an e-mail and reply to it. RRs should be reserved for those instances where it is critical to knowing the e-mail was received/opened. Such instances would include legal and important business issues.

It is important to know that some e-mail programs allow the recipient to decline the sending of an RR. I know when I receive RR requests, for the majority, I immediately decline. None of anyone's bee's wax when I opened any particular e-mail. That said, when it is an important matter and I can understand why there is an RR requested I go ahead and give my approval.

I use RR for legal issues and important company matters where I want to have some sort of proof or trail to document that an e-mail was sent and subsequently opened. I've never found a reason to use RRs with personal e-mails to friends or family. To send an RR request for every day-to-day e-mail, especially personal e-mail, is simply not necessary.

Rude or Uniformed?

A Site Visitor Writes:

I forwarded a certain photograph to a group of people. One of the people on the e-mail list sent back to the whole list (whom she did not know) that the photo was a fake. She looked it up on www.snopes.com. She also stated that "she always checked on the accuracy of things before she forwarded." This went out to all the other people on my list.

I was not upset that the photo was not authentic. I was a little miffed that she sent to out to my list of 4 others. But what I felt was really rude was her comment that "she always checked out her e-mails for accuracy before forwarding". So, one would assume that I did not do a good job at these things or I would have done the same. I felt that her comment was really rude. What do you think? Lack of netiquette?

Seems one of the folks you send to is an informed Netizen! She did nothing wrong by letting everyone know the photo was not authentic if you had everyone's e-mail address displayed. The number of folks who assume everything in an e-mail is true or accurate is surprising! Don't we all get enough junk e-mail without having those who are uninformed (or don't make the effort to be informed) sending more junk through the pipeline?

There are two things to address here. If you don't want others on your list to know or respond to those listed, put their e-mail addresses in the BCC field. That is your call to make. And why shouldn't this person respond to all that you had forwarded a hoax to so that they know it was not authentic?

Her comment wasn't rude. What is rude about that-- if that is what she does--check Snopes.com before forwarding? That sounds like a smart thing to do considering all the junk and misinformation being forwarded around. If you had checked this out you certainly wouldn't of proceeded to send out an inaccurate e-mail as though it was--would you? Plus she didn't say you didn't do a good job. It just sounds as though she is sharing a resource and some habits of proper Netiquette with you.

If anything the lack of Netiquette is on your part. In my Netiquette 101, Courtesy #1 which is called: GET TO KNOW THE BASICS, item #5 covers just this situation - even noting Snopes.com. I assume you have not reviewed my site before you e-mailed for my advice...

Good Netiquette dictates you do NOT just forward anything that lands in your inbox as true or real. You should make the extra effort to check out things like this at any of the various Web sites that point out these urban legends, only one of which is Snopes.com.

If you or the original sender did not want to take the time to vet this e-mail before sending it on it's way, you certainly cannot get mad when someone who does make these efforts points out to you that it is a hoax and simply states they always check things for accuracy before forwarding.

I assume by your tone, that I am certainly not giving you the response you seek here. I believe your friend did you a favor. Why not take it as you learned something new and not do it again?

In your case, what I would do, is rather than look at the person as rude, which they were not, why not send her a short "thank you" with your humble apologies thanking her for letting you know about Snopes.com and that you know you still have things to learn. You now know to check things out before simply forwarding and she provided you the resource to do just that.

I also have an article on my site called the 5 Rules of Forwarding E-mail.

Why is it when folks do things wrong online and someone tries to inform them they get all offended? I sure hope you are not mad at me or will call me rude simply because I do not agree with how you handled the situation.

Everyone still has things to learn online - I learn something new every day and I've been online for over a decade. There is nothing wrong with that - that is what makes online so exhilarating! ;-)

Providing Photos and Personal Information

A site visitor writes:

In informal communications through a game message board I frequent, a man I helped in another country with some of the questions he posted replied to me to thank me and then he asked about my age(!) and for a photo of me.

I said I was glad to help and that I was fifteen. Two days have passed since and I don't know what's the appropriate way to handle this and I would feel rather uncomfortable giving out photos. But I feel I have to reply to him rather than let the messages "grow old" and let him assume I am not interested, I don't care e.t.c.

Could you please help me out in this situation? I don't of course want you to write the e-mail for me, but some advice to point me into the right direction would be greatly appreciated. Thank you very much for your attention and your time.

I am so glad you wrote me about this very important issue!

Do not send him a picture and do not communicate further with him. To get questions like that makes me believe his motives are questionable especially when asked of someone under the age of 18. There is no need to know your age or have a picture of you for forum support. Let the e-mails grow older - better yet delete them and don't respond at all. You shouldn't feel you have to reply to everyone who e-mails you.

Let me play devil's advocate here... Why would you be interested or care? These are odd questions that usually are asked only after much longer communications and where time and consistency have built some level of trust. Being you don't know this person or cannot prove if they are in another country or the next block over from your house, you need to be very careful with your trust and information - on or off-line.

You sound like a great person and don't need friends like this. And, unless he posts publicly to the forum again, you are under no obligation to have to reply to his unasked for personal questions via private e-mail. In response to future similar request, let the person know that you do not provide your photo or personal information to strangers and that if he needs further assistance with the game to use the forum as a way to get the support he needs.

The one thing I have learned in my over 10 years of being online is that you cannot trust or believe folks you do not know- no matter how nice or sincere they may seem. Never give out your age or any personal information to anyone online. They don't need to know any of that to discuss games, ideas or have conversations with you. And, if they get upset when you don't want to provide a photo or more information, that is a clue to just delete any future e-mails and make your parents and/or ISP aware of the situation.

E-mailing on Company Time

When it comes to e-mail activities while on the job, employees should understand that time on the job should not be spent dilly-dallying at Web sites or sending superfluous e-mails to friends or co-workers.

Employees should also understand, because it has been advised to them in a written e-mail policy, that when on company time there should be no assumption of privacy when it comes to their online activities. It is smart business for any business owner to keep tabs on what their employees are up to on and off-line while on company time. For productivity and legal reasons alike.

In a recent study:

• 76% of American businesses monitor worker's online activities
• 65% of employers are using software to block access to certain Web sites
• 55% retain and review e-mail messages
• 50% store and review computer files
• 26% have fired workers for misuse of the Internet

How do you use your employer's online resources?

Business E-mail Basics

Courtesy When Unsubbing

Much of E-mail Etiquette has to do with courtesy. Taking the time and paying attention to details so that you are doing your best to think of others -- not just yourself or what you are willing to do at any given moment.

One issue that many do not pay attention to is their responsibility when it comes to unsubbing to something they signed up for previously. It happens all the time. You subscribe to a list or service, then either become too busy or simply no longer want to receive the mailings you signed up for.

Professional services, such as those that I offer on my E-mail Etiquette Website will advise you of your unsubscribe options when you sign up. Keep a copy of that e-mail on file for future reference. Make it easy for yourself and create a folder in your e-mail program called Subs/Unsubs. Keep all your subscribe notices in that folder so you know what to do when you want to unsubscribe.

In the case of my Free Weekly E-mail Etiquette Tips, there is a convenient unsubscribe link at the bottom of every e-mail that goes out. However, to some it is easier to hit reply and demand that I take the time to remove them from my list. It is a shame that they are unsubbing, because I can tell they still have something to learn about being courteous online.

If you sign up for something, regardless of the reason to want to unsubscribe, always do your best to ensure you are following either the previously provided instructions or use that little link at the bottom of the e-mail. This will reflect your ability to pay attention to detail while being courteous to those whose services you willingly signed up for.

That's Not What I Meant?

As happens on quite a regular basis, I responded to an e-mail that was sent to me that had some accusations and comments, that, based on knowing this person for over a decade were a bit disappointing. And that's the word I used when I e-mailed back my response - disappointing.

These comments were in regard to how I run my business and were clearly not based in any reality or past actions to warrant concern. I understand that we live in a world where you need to be on the offense and that many businesses, especially in technology, may not be as trustworthy or reliable.

But that's not me. I ooze ethics and integrity. I answered each comment point by point -- factually and unemotionally. Their response? No apology -- "they didn't intent to hurt my feelings." My "feelings" were not hurt nor did I say so, I simply stated I was disappointed that after all these years they felt the need to type to me in the manner they did. Truth be told -- I was insulted.

This person's "clarification" was how the original e-mail could have been typed if they took the time to be thoughtful and considerate. Insulting me could have been avoided -- easily.

"It was not meant to be personal, so please do not take it that way." When you question my ethics or integrity without any reason or past experience to do so it is personal -- very personal!

This is typical of people who just type what they want to know without taking a moment to review if their questions/challenges are apropos or even accurate. You can't say "it was not meant" or that "didn't mean to" if you typed it!

In this case, this client was playing boss with me. If they would have taken a moment to review previous e-mail conversations and think about our decade long relationship, they certainly wouldn't have sent the e-mail they did. But they weren't thinking. Nor are they apologizing. They knew what they "meant" regardless of what they typed, and I too should know that by osmosis!

The moral of the story? You are what you type; you are the words you choose to use. Know that what you type will be taken at it's face value by the other side -- they will take you at your word(s).

It's All About the Details

The details that create a positive impression are so very important to those who rely on e-mail as part of doing business online and many times take very little effort to integrate. Those darned details like saying "Hello" as an opening greeting, not attaching 1M files without notice and spell checking. Little details of what you want to do versus what you end up doing combined with how you do it can make a big difference in so many subtle ways.

From taking the time to type in complete sentences and adding a nice "Thank you in advance!" at the end of your e-mail to addressing the recipient by name. Little details like this can make a huge impact. Especially considering many others communicate as though they didn't make it out of grade school!

I know -- we all have too many details to deal with. Off-line details and responsibilities combined with working in an online environment that relies on you paying attention to all these little details. That's life folks - details. And whether you like it or not, your quality of life is greatly dependent on what details you choose to pay attention to and those you neglect.

E-mail is no different. Especially when it comes to using e-mail for your business success where all too often the important details fall by the wayside in lieu of being in a rush, assuming too informal of a tone, lax attitudes and lack of desire to hone one's skills. Not to mention the unintended terse tone that comes across from folks who are otherwise very nice because they just don't want to take the time to pay attention to those darned e-mail details that reflect their intent accurately.

The most important details are those that reflect you care about how you are perceived. Online, the devil is in your details. How you e-mail, what words you choose and how you choose to use them, as well as whether you choose to use punctuation and proper grammar will make a big difference. A positive difference -- which you can take to the bank!

I regularly type about these issues because I am constantly surprised on how those that communicate with me, knowing my stance on such matters, then proceed to minimize the importance of these issues as though E-mail Etiquette & Netiquette are a "Judith thing." It isn't a "Judith thing" - it is a "courtesy thing", a "perception thing", an "I'm educated thing."

Onliners will react to you less than positively if you do not pay attention to these details. If you want to be taken seriously -- type as such. If you don't care if you are perceived as a 6th grader -- then you will be. Make demands and you may not get the response you desire. Write with courtesy and kindness and you will be surprised at the prompt and friendly response you will get.

E-mail details are not as often attended to as they should be and unfortunately many times ignored. The Web is very much like the off-line world. Type unto others as you would have them type unto you. It's all about the details.

"My E-mail is Not Working!"

I probably get a handful of e-mails and phone calls each day making the above claim. Unfortunately, "not working" doesn't' give me or your provider much to go on to figure out what is going on.

E-mail isn't always instantaneous. And, as more services and people go online, added with online telephone services (VOIP) all using the same pipelines -- things will continue to have hiccups or slowdowns. Sometimes there are geographic issues that cause a certain area of the pipeline to be blocked. Say a backhoe hits a fiber optic cable in St. Louis. That could cause a domino effect and cause e-mail to take longer to get from point A to point B.

So, how do you determine what, if anything, isn't working?

1. If you can Send e-mail but cannot Receive e-mail, you need to contact your incoming/server provider. This applies to those who use their own domain address as an e-mail address. Typically these folks have a different INCOMING server than that provided by their ISP.


2. If you can Receive but you cannot Send, then you need to contact your ISP as it is the OUTGOING server (SMTP) advised by your connectivity provider (ISP) that is not allowing you to Send.

It is always a good idea to check your ISP's "Network Status" page to see if they are aware of any problems or issues that may be causing network delays of e-mail delivery.

When you determine who you should call (your hosting provider/incoming e-mail server or your connectivity provider/outgoing e-mail server) you need to provide the detailed specific error message (word for word) that you are receiving when you go to send or check e-mail. This error message is imperative to determining where the problem may be and if there is anything anyone can do about it.

Your service providers will most certainly appreciate you providing as many details as possible when you contact them with problems -- "not working" is really of no help at all.